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Confused.

September 10, 2011

I am currently in Arlington dog sitting for a friend.  I’ve just come from brunch at Busboys and Poets with an old friend — AU’s United Methodists pastor, Mark Schaefer.  I should be doing some reading for school.  Entering my third week, I haven’t touched a book or really given any thought to class — not even while I have been in class.  I haven’t even made it to my Monday classes yet (Irene kept me from the first week and Labor Day replaced the 2nd week).  But, right now I feel the need to write.  So I’ve opened this page over my readings and have put my fingers to work….

It’s been a very difficult 24 hours.  I have been confused about the direction I desire to take my life in for some time now — definitely the past 5 weeks.  But yesterday added a layer of confusion.  No, yesterday blew open some realities that may be a little too real.  So real, the hope I have been clinging to may have fully dispersed.  The result has left me quite numb.  And I just don’t know what to do.  I lost my phone Wednesday night so spent yesterday almost completely isolated — which certainly did not help anything.  I do not seek out the advice of others, as I know I need to come to my own answers from the information I perceive, but it would sure be nice to vent — or cry — to someone.

Isolation seems to be a major theme of my life.  As a solitary seven (numerology), this makes sense.  One of seven’s main issues to work through in life is their desire to shut themselves away and not fully partake in the world.  Just fully partake in the ponderings of their own mind.  But, no man is an island (eye roll at the cliché line) and we are all connected and thus we cannot live full lives if we are not exploring our connections with others.  This, for my life from my sought out and deeply explored understanding, is a fact.

Tomorrow is the 10th anniversary of 9/11.  That event showed quite clearly how you just never know when your life is going to end.  We build our lives around this myth that we are invincible; that we have ‘forever’ — or at least a guaranteed 80+ years.  We are these very fragile beings that may crack at any moment.  And then….who knows?  We are gone or are manifest in a different form.  But, certainly, the life we knew has ended.  So, we truly only have this very moment.  This very instance.  When we wake up — with a thousand tasks running threw our head — all needing to be finished today — we take it for granted that we will make it through the day to be able to finish all these tasks.

So, we must figure out a way to live in every moment that is fully living.  Fully giving of yourself.  Fully enjoying your life.  Balancing the ‘to do’ lists of work — which is a necessity to continue living — and the ‘to do’ lists of your personal life.  We need to figure out who exactly we are, want exactly we want, and how exactly we are getting there.  And this is a constantly changing and evolving process, because life is not stagnant.  Humans are not stagnant.  We are constantly growing and evolving — whether we like it or not.  Therefore, we must constantly check in with our beliefs on life; beliefs on who we are.

Who am I?  As you spend every single moment — think about that, every single moment of your life is spent with you and just you — with yourself, you should be able to answer this, right? But what a complicated and involved question.  To think it is a simplistic question — or even an answerable question is a mistake.  Perhaps to even ask it is a mistake.  Perhaps, the more relevant question is: what is my life?  What do I desire from my life?  And who do I desire to spend my life with?

Relationships are so very difficult.  Relationships in all forms, but particularly those that play a significant role in your life and exist over a spread out period of time.  They are work and the most difficult kind of work because they shine a light onto how you really are.  Not just how you perceive yourself to be — but how others see you.  How you react.  Relationships bring out the best in people and the worst.  They cause great joy and great pain.  Fully expose the spectrum of human emotion and behavior.  And just as our lives are constantly growing and evolving, as are our relationships.  And just as we need to constantly check in on our lives, we must constantly check in on our relationships.  See if they still have a pulse.  See if there is still the possibility of growth.  Decide if all the difficulty involved in the work is still worth it.  Still desired.  Decide if the relationship is still moving in the direction you are moving your life in.  And, if these questions result in a no, summon the strength to diminish the strength of the bonds.  There is no cutting, because we are all connected — but certain relationships you explore more deeply, more fully than others.  So, to retract, you go back to the surface and engage elsewhere.

I know all relationships are a lot of work.  I just fear I have lost my hope.  I am just so sick of lies.  And liars.  And I don’t know if I believe that someone so rooted in lies can ever truly be honest.

So, here I am.  Confused and isolated in Arlington, VA.

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