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Another issue….

January 21, 2011

I would absolutely blog more if my memory hasn’t become corrupted!  I have a tendency to talk/think out my writings while doing odds and ends (showering and such) — things that don’t allow for pen to page (or finger to button) — but when I am able to get them down I cannot remember what I had said/thought.  Not good.  Some of my most brilliant thoughts live and die in my mind, never given the opportunity to flow freely into the world.  Terribly sad.

This is the case right now.  As I was paying bills I was thinking about…something…and thought: hey, let me quickly blog that (I am home because of a research seminar at school from 10 – 12 that I need to be seen at before cutting off to work — another problem with my ability to blog: I am rarely in a position where I’m sitting in front of a computer).  So, I don’t know.

I have access to television this week (and a tempur pedic mattress!!) because my roommate is away and graciously offered her room.  I was watching Parks and Recreation last night and Rob Lowe’s character, in response to why he is so positive, said he was born with a rare blood disorder and was sentenced to a three week long life.  Miraculously there he was, 2,000 odd weeks later, and he had been happy for every moment of it.  Hearing that my head jerked to the side and I thought: why am I not happy?  I may not have been born with a rare blood disorder, but I certainly understand the fragility of life.  I certainly understand that we make mountains out of ant hills and that everything works it self out. I understand the silliness of worrying — of stress and anxiety.  Yet, whatever Zen moments I have had in my life have been a long, long time ago.

On paper my life is stellar.  Even off paper.  So, what is it?  Why am I constantly straddling desire for life and death?

About two and a half years ago (summer 2008) I was in this amazing place of prolonged happiness.  I would start laughing, randomly, in amazement of how happy I was.  This was also the start of a year of living life completely by my own terms.  No job and much time.  The majority of my day was lived in peaceful contemplation of…well, whatever.  Any thought I had I would spend hours following down the avenues of that thought.  I wrote mountains of pages (okay, not my most tree friendly period).  I took long, slow (well….I can’t walk slow.  But slow for me) pointless walks all over the city.  I took deep breaths all the time.  And I was happy.

I hate money.  I wonder how often I have said this.  How often I will say this.  Perhaps I am being unfair.  But I see money as the reason that I could not continue living that peaceful, beautiful existence — living exactly how I wanted to (okay, granted, I absolutely had my depressed moments in that year — specifically during the colder months…S.A.D.!).  During the first part of that year I tried to speak in only the positive.  That is something I abandoned quickly.  So much of our language is focused on the negative.  Look at the first sentence of this paragraph.  Look at the signs around you as you’re driving: No Turn on Red, No Left Turn, Stop, Do Not Enter, etc.  Negativity abounds.

I need to get back to that place of positivity.  So much of our mood is projected forward by our thoughts.  Much of my current cognition is negative.  This weekend I am going to attempt my positive sentence construction experiment yet again.  This doesn’t mean only saying: yes.  It’s more about thought construction and word growth.

And that’s all for now….have to get to class….have to go, go, go….

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One Comment leave one →
  1. January 21, 2011 9:33 pm

    I loved when you stayed w. me at my apt for a couple days in ’08. We went for that nature hike in the morning and then sat on my roof and read/talked or something. Good times! You’ll find the balance again.Rare blood disorder or not 😉

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