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About an inch left.

November 16, 2010

I don’t know if I am going to make it through my masters program. Currently I don’t really see the point. Not only is being in this program (mainly due to the professors, most of my fellow classmates, and academia in general) causing me major distress and making me feel miserable about myself and my abilities — I don’t know how necessary it is in reaching my goals. I was in grad school mind when I found this program had rolling admission, so I applied and (this is where the trouble started) got in. But how I really want to spend my life is interacting with people — real people not academics — and building relationships. And then writing about it. Not exploiting the relationships, but exposing the common thread in humanity through my engagements and writings. Exposing the soul of an individual that is often lost due to misconceptions and otherizing.

Do I need a MSW to travel around, connecting and engaging and then writing a book? No. But, I don’t know. A part of me knows having it will help in the long run (I guess…maybe I don’t know this but just assume it) and a part of me knows I am too stubborn to throw in the towel not even 1/4 of the way through. I’m not a quitter and know I am going to stick this out, but I am seriously second guessing all of this right now.

I am an extremely intelligent, analytical, reflective, aware person. I have an innate ability to form relationships and trust upon initial meetings — in other words, I am real. I am also rather different and my intelligence definitely does not lie in the standard model or measure of intelligence. Because of this, I do not do well in academia — with all its rules and structure. And because of my anti-authority nature I cannot just follow along with the system to get to the end I want. I am highly resistant. And that resistance most likely sends off a hostile and bitchy vibe to those in academia. Which doesn’t help me in reaching my goal of passing my classes.

I am just floored by Catholic’s National Catholic School of Social Service (NCSSS). For a program run by a bunch of social workers man is it unempathetic and cold.  The big focus is Strengths Perspective and Empowerment Theory, yet the program is very much entrenched in standard modes of learning and institutional education.  I feel quite overlooked and put down in the program.  Instead of playing to my strengths, encouraging my abilities and working with me to go about reaching their end by my means, I just feel invisible.

Yet, in field and my personal life (well, outside the disaster that is my personal life right now) I feel my abilities are seen, encouraged and even praised.  I feel really good about myself and my abilities.  Then Monday and Tuesday roll around and…I really don’t feel like I can go any further.  I am so close to drowning.  And it is that much more difficult to continue when you just don’t see the point.  If I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this degree would get me everything I want, I’d be like okay, let’s focus on the positive and what really matters: human connections above grades.  Human connection leaves marks on your soul.  Not course grades.  And in the grand scheme of things, I am only in this program for a little longer and then will never have to see these professors and most of my classmates again.  But for now I have to make it through.  And that is proving increasingly challenging.

I just feel all around miserable right now and life isn’t giving me what I want across any level.  It’s just one big tease and I am frustrated and fed up.  I always say I’d rather not know when I was going to die, but I’ve changed my mind.  I want to know the exact moment so I can figure out — to the penny — how much it would cost me to get to that point.  Living in a very modest way.  Then I would work until I reached that exact number and then go off and live life by my own terms and live out my desires.  I am so sick of being a slave to everyone and thing else.  And this is just the way it is.  And it’s the way it’s going to be.  Perhaps it is time for me to take to the streets and start living my social experiments, because in comparison to the way everything else is stacking up — I throw my odds to the streets.  At least out there I’d really be living.  Existing in the realest of reality as opposed to BS academia and confined into past and future desires, left waiting, waiting, waiting….

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