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Blessed to be Stressed?

September 21, 2010

Recently I saw the cover of a hand calendar that said: Blessed to be Stressed. In terms of my previous blog, yes. In terms of being trapped in a consumeristic culture/capitalistic society that keeps me stressed over things I have to do to keep my physical being alive instead of things I want to do that keeps my soul alive — not so much.

These days all I want to do is write new blogs. Instead I find myself stressed over all the readings I have not done for school, trying to get through some of the readings and feeling guilty when I am not doing my readings and stupid when I don’t understand what I am reading. Trying to B.S. work without appearing as though I am it. Trying to become an expert of certain social policy and then write papers on it. Dealing with my long, trafffic-filled commute. Dealing with trying to find a place in the city that is just not working out. Financial strain. And then dealing with all the emotional aspects of my life, whether my field placement or personal relationships. Writing has to take a back seat to all of this and it kills me because all I want to do is sit in the sun pondering and then write my day away. The fact that that used to be my life makes my current situation that much more difficult to deal with.

All of this current stress is a part of the process to do the work I want to be doing with my life. I had a job <once> and I hated it. I needed the money, but I knew there was no career avenue with that job. When I left (I gave my notice six months in advance haha) I told myself I would never again take a job simply out of need for a bullet point on a resume or money (insert snobby-brat lines here). What I actually was telling myself was that I wanted to get onto a career path. I am an extremely passionate and intelligent go-getter and I wanted to get myself in the direction of doing the work that is most aligned with my interests and abilities. I am currently doing this and, trust me, I am excited about it. But I can’t help but wonder: at what cost?

I feel like I keep getting stacks upon stacks of paper piled onto my weak arms without re-enforcement of the material by my professors. It’s week four and I keep wondering when I am going to get taught something. Perhaps grad school is just an incredibly expensive forum for self-teaching? I am definitely gaining increased awareness and life lessons from my field placement — but in terms of the material, namely theories, I am at a loss. And I spend so much time stressed over this and sad that I do not have the time to be doing what I actually want to do….I’m missing the balance.

I just keep wondering: how much of our lives can be our own in consumeristic culture/capitalistic society? How much are we missing by constantly being pressed to push onward? I have spent a great deal of time ‘smelling the roses’ so to speak and I can say for certain: I prefer smelling the roses. Yes I had many moments of loneliness, but my current feelings of loneliness come in the midst of so much going on. This is far worse.

The age of Thoreau at Waldon is long gone. This is the age of the rat race and we are all tied to the wheel.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Kevin Teare permalink
    September 22, 2010 1:36 pm

    Blessed just to be, unless you’re not lovin’ existence.
    Red Sails In The Sunseset ? I never took you for the seafarin’ type…
    This is the very first blog Ive ever bothered to check out…very cool…now Im jealous. Thanks.
    9,717 days…KT

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